This is graduation season and many of you have children graduating from high school or college. I can imagine that this might be a difficult time for you…Letting go. Even those who have children graduating from milestone grades such as kindergarten, 5th grade or 8th grade, might be a little emotional that your child is growing up. I have an 8th grader going to high school next school year, so I get it. Watching a child grow up can be emotional. I remember crying each time my babies moved to the next diaper size. Realizing, they will never be as small as they were again. But, letting go can be even more emotional because sometimes we might want to stay in control.
Have you ever shared with your friends any of your emotions regarding parenting, specifically letting your child go off into the world to experience new things? What is the one response you will most likely receive? They say, “you have to trust that you raised them the best you can”. Whenever I hear this response, I immediately pause and think, “Wait a minute. You mean I have to trust in my instruction? Or, trust that they listened and will follow those instructions, or both?” At which point I start trying to go over everything I think they should know and whether or not we discussed it.
Being a mom can be challenging, especially for moms who struggle with depression. Moms who struggle with depression might feel as if their illness disconnected them from their children. And might even feel as if they haven’t been good patents. But let’s be clear. Even mothers who think they are doing well at parenting can get blindsided by the revelation that their child isn’t who they raised them to be.
Most parents have played a game of “what’s the worst that can happen” when it comes to their children. What if he gets into an accident? What if she drops out of school? What if she goes to jail? What if she becomes a drug addict or alcoholic? I think most parents, including myself try to prepare for a worst case scenario when it comes to our kids. But, imagine that you are Sue Klebold, the mother of Dylan Klebold, the Columbine High School shooter. Is there any way a parent could phantom to put an incident this horrific in the what’s the worst that could happen scenario?
I’m highlighting Sue Klebold because … My God, if she can survive her story, the odds are you can survive whatever you might have to face as a parent. In her TedMed Talk, Sue Klebod recalls thinking, Dylan couldn’t have done this if he loved her. She even answers the question we all thought, “How could you not know what he was going through?” The lessons she learned because of his actions are powerful. And her story is worth following.
Sue Klebold has used her experience as the mother of a mass murderer to advocate for what she calls “brain health”, as well as suicide prevention and research. What I think is her greatest work is that she puts a face to what has to be a parent’s worst nightmare. Her son along with another boy murdered and injured innocent people. The boys planned the attack in her home. Before the Columbine shootings, she was just a regular mom. Now, she’s the mother of what some would deem a monster. And guess what? She is surviving through it and helping others.
So here’s what I’m saying. I know it might be difficult, but allow your child to grow and become his or her own person. We have to let them go. And we have to realize that if they so happen to not follow our instructions, it’s not our fault. Sure there are exceptions when it comes to placing blame on a parent for the actions of a child. If you leave a loaded gun in the house and your child shoots himself with it, yes that’s your fault. But when it comes to choices they make that are beyond your control, it is most definitely not your fault.
Let your children grow and go. Be their guide to help them live their best life. But at the end of the day, it is their life to live. Try not to fear that they will experience bad things. Try not to take responsibility for their failures. And as always, let’s press on together!