It’s sad to admit but relationships can easily trigger a depressive episode. Even people who have never experienced depression can admit that a relationship has challenged their mental health. We have to be careful who we allow in our space, especially those of us who have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I’m single. I’ve been divorced for several years. I was married for over eight years. During which time I learned so much about relationships and even more about myself. The most important thing I learned is exactly what I need from a partner in order for me to be my best self. You see. I learned that once you start bringing out the worst in your partner (and he in you) the relationship is almost irreparable. The person you are with should always encourage the best parts of you to shine, even when times are the most bleak (especially during those times).
I want to remarry, or at least I think I do. But, it’s certainly not something I’m going to rush into. If I marry again, I’m confident that this time it’s going to last. Once you’ve been married, you pretty much know what you can and can’t tolerate within a relationship. It would be foolish for me to marry someone who possesses any of the characteristics that I think might lead me down the same path of an unsuccessful marriage. I have a list of 21 things that I need for a man to have in order for me to consider marrying him. The list from 1-21 is in order of importance. And, after God and my children, comes a list of 6 economic expectations. I’m talking a specific minimum income, assets, resources, etc. Looks is number 19. I can see 50 clearly over the horizon and I am too old for “struggle love”. How a man looks just doesn’t matter that much to me. I need a provider.
I’ve had several recent conversations with girlfriends about my expectations for a potential new husband. Have you ever had those conversations? You know the one where you reveal what you are looking for and then somehow the conversation turns from “what are you looking for?” to “what are you bringing to the table?” As if, “baby you dreaming” or “good luck with that”. Each time the subject came up, and I was asked, “where you gone find that” or “what are you bringing to the table?” I couldn’t explain my answer. I know my friends aren’t haters. I know they love me and respect me, and I know they want what’s best for me. But, they asked a question I can’t quantify. Essentially, I was asked, “what are you worth”? Really, the question is “why would someone with all that you are asking for want you?” The truth is, it really doesn’t matter how someone else views my value. It matters only how I value myself. I can’t live my life trying to meet the expectations of others. I can however, know my own worth. So, here are a few things I know I’m worth.
I’m worth a man loving God more than he loves me.
I’m worth support for my dreams.
I’m worth helping him to fulfill his purpose and he mine.
I’m worth unconditional love.
I’m worth respect.
I’m worth spontaneous acts of love.
I’m worth trust.
I’m worth spa days.
I’m worth honesty.
I’m worth breakfast in bed.
I’m worth shopping sprees.
I’m worth not having to contribute to any bills.
I’m worth flowers “just because”.
I’m worth being chauffeured.
I’m worth happiness.
I’m worth tickets to the theater.
I’m worth maid service.
I’m worth handmade gifts of love.
I’m worth a chef.
I’m worth trips around the world.
I’m worth picnics in the park.
I’m worth private jets.
I’m worth hugs and kisses.
I’m worth expensive jewelry.
I’m worth peace.
I’m worth all of this and so much more.
I literally had to make myself stop listing the things I’m worth. This may come across as if I’m a gold digger. That is certainly not my intention. So, let me clear up some anticipated questions that might come from reading this blog post.
- “Sonya, are you looking for a Sugar Daddy?” Not necessarily. I value myself the same with or without a man. However, if I have to choose, why would I set myself up to live in a life of struggle? My overall health won’t survive me having to be the husband and the wife. Once again, I’m too old for that.
- “Sonya, what if God wants you to marry a poor man?” Really? Ask that question out loud, and try not to laugh. My God wishes us to prosper so I’m sure that He’ll be fine giving me the desires of my heart.
- “Sonya, you can help a man get to the level of your expectations.” Ummmmm…No! I’m trying to sign prenuptial agreements, not co-sign for a car.
- “Should I raise my expectations?” I can’t tell you what you are worth and what you deserve. And I certainly don’t expect you to have my same expectations of what you are looking for in a mate. I can’t tell you that your expectations are too low just as you can’t tell me mine are too high. But, I can suggest that you make your list, know your expectations and don’t compromise.
What are you worth? Discover what you deserve, and as always, let’s press on together.