Since Kanye’s public break down, many have speculated as to the cause. Maybe he’s overworked; maybe he’s still grieving the death of his mother; maybe he’s having money problems; maybe he’s having marital issues; maybe he’s on drugs. Last week, I even engaged in a conversation about how the devil is the root of Kayne’s (and all) mental health issues. Meanwhile, my depression stemmed from my intrauterine device (IUD) and had nothing at all to do with the aforementioned speculated causes of Kanye’s mental health, or the devil. (Unless you think that taking birth control is the devil, and some people do.) There are many causes of mental illness, including depression. I don’t want to speculate the cause of Kanye’s issues. I would rather refocus on ways to help the IPO blog community and others prevent and manage depression and depressive episodes.
We can all agree that there have been times when we put the needs of others above our own. We often make sacrifices to please others without considering the consequences that those sacrifices might cause to our own mental health. As I have battled depression, the one thing I’ve learned most is that I have got to trust my instincts. I discuss the importance of following one’s conscience in my response to the Colin Kaepernick scandal. It’s easier said than done. But here is a strategy that I want to introduce that might help navigate ways to trust instincts. I call it the No, Slow, Go.
Say No
No is a powerful word. Understanding the power of no became important to me when I found myself under a tremendous amount of stress. My marriage was falling apart. I was pursing my doctoral degree. I was working full time. I was doing ministry for my church. All while trying to be the best mother I could to my two girls. The pressure of dealing with my day-to-day activities and issues had gotten so bad that I had developed a rash of whelps on my body and a stomach ulcer. I was stressed. Most people aren’t aware that stress is a major warning sign of a mental health issue (impending or occurring). I went to see my doctor, and he told me the thing I assumed he would. He said that my life is too busy and that I had to give up some things. But, for me, everything on my list of obligations was important. I didn’t want to give up on any of those things. I told him, “My plate is full”. He said, “Put yourself on the plate first and everything else that isn’t important will fall off”. (I use this quote often in my blogs, and I suggest you write it down and memorize it. It will come in handy.) I had to let some things go. But what things were I going to knock off the plate? As I contemplated the issue, I learned that it was difficult for me to let things go because I had control issues. And, as I further examined myself, I realized that my control issues were rooted in trust issues. I couldn’t say no to anything because I didn’t trust that anyone else could do the job. That’s a lot of pressure to be under. I literally was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had to be involved in every church service/function, and be on the planning committee of every service/function. I had to fix my marriage. It was up to me; in my mind I was the only one who could fix it. I had the only answers. (Selfish) I couldn’t say no, and yield to others because my trust issues led to being controlling and hence being selfish. This epiphany changed my life. Now, I make no apologies for saying no. “No, I can’t participate.” “No, I can’t be on that committee.” “No, I can’t go to the store for you.” “No, I can’t drive you to work.” “No, I can’t take care of your children today.” “No, I can’t lend you money.” “No, I can’t help you.” No. No. No. Let me tell you, saying no feels good. It is freeing because it has allowed me to disconnect with my trust issues. I couldn’t care less how that no makes someone else feel, and you shouldn’t either. It is important to learn not only the power of saying the word no, but also the graciousness to receive a no from others. Those feelings belong to the other person/people, not you. The objective is to stay mentally healthy, not to worry about keeping friends and pleasing people.
Slow It Down
It might be a bit tricky to learn when to say no to an obligation and when to take an obligation at a slower pace. But, finding that thin line is important. The difference between the slow and no strategy is being able to separate the things on your plate so that they don’t all run together. Remember, no items are no longer on your plate.
I would like to use church and home as examples of how I learned to slow down. I have had several conversations with ladies who are in bondage to their church because they don’t feel as if they can slow down from participating in church activities. As a member of a small congregation, I can relate. Each member has multiple responsibilities. There was a time when I was an usher/greeter, praise & worship leader, choir director, children’s church leader, president of the women’s organization, and taught a weekly Bible study all at the same time. I forgot to mention that I cleaned the church as well…..whew! I had to come to terms that slowing down didn’t necessarily mean I had to give all of these things up. It just meant that, “Sonya”, there is no way you can do all of these things at the same time. Some of the ladies I spoke with are being held to ridiculous standards by pastors who make participating in every church function mandatory, and some ladies are placing that pressure upon themselves. Listen, at the end of the day, managing your mental health is more important than pleasing a person, even if that person is you. And, if one pony can stop that show, it’s not much of a show now is it? Slow down, even if it means saying no and knocking things off your plate. In terms of taking care of my household, there is no way that I can cook, clean and do laundry every day to the fullest extent of how it needs to be done…so I don’t. I choose three things to do a day. When I get done with those three things, I’m done. Whatever….until I can get a maid service, my peace of mind outweighs mopping the kitchen floor or vacuuming. Self-care is more important than any duty at church, home or anywhere else.
Go Get It!
Here is where I get excited, and I hope you will as well. Listen to your instincts. The inner voice. The knower. The spirit of God. Every day I challenge myself to listen to that voice. This is the voice that no one else can hear but you. It’s the place where dreams are housed. It is important to listen to that internal voice when it comes to life issues big and small. When it comes to pursing major life choices, there is a story I often tell. A few years ago, I asked my then 10 year daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up. She immediately answered a veterinarian. To which I responded, “Who told you that?” she replied, “I told myself.” My response, “Carson, never let an ‘outside no’ dictate your ‘inside yes’. People may think you are doing the impossible. You may get ridiculed. You may be laughed at. You might even loose some friends. But guess what? No one else heard the call of your dreams. No one else has the vision of what you ought to pursue.” I want to encourage you to do to the same. Listen to that “inside yes”. Go and pursue those big dreams.
Listening to that internal “go” may also be applied to even the most basic decisions. For instance, when I see a pair of shoes I like, I ask myself, “When I get home will I regret leaving these shoes in the store?” If I hear an “internal yes”, I buy them. If not, I leave them in the store. It’s that simple. If you do not know how to hear the inside yes that inspires you to go, ask yourself if what you are seeking brings you peace and/or joy. If you cannot find peace/joy in an endeavor then ultimately, it is something you should not pursue. Responding to the “go” is so important because this will help to alleviate regret. The feeling of regret can most certainly lead to depression.
We don’t have to wait until the final straw drops on the camel’s back before we address our mental health. It appears that Kanye did just that, and placed everything and everyone above himself. Let’s do differently. Let’s acknowledge trust issues and say no. Let’s accept limits and slow down. And most importantly, let’s listen to our “internal yes” and go forward in pursuit of what makes us happy. Let’s try to implement the “No, Slow, Go” strategy into our daily lives, and as always, let’s press on together!